Sta.sh
Shadow falls from the sky, screaming, “If those idiots want me to fight to the death, I need to be alive!”
The ground rushes at him. “I’m so glad I learned how to do this,” Shadow mutters. He calculates when he should ball up.
“Now!” he cries. He extends his left arm and curves it into an arch. He twists his body around, causing his fingers to point down. His body curls in to a circle. Shadow winces as his hand hits the ground. The momentum of the fall causes him to roll through the thick underbrush of plants that conceal the forest floor. The plants lunge at him, nipping and grabbing. He feels them tearing his clothes and skin. Luckily, he rolls fast enough to crush the plants, and gets minimal damage. He crushes plants, and bursts through bushes, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.
He splashes into a lake, coming to a halt. Sitting in the cool water he relaxes. The water seeps through his clothes, and wash away all the dirt and grime. The good feeling was short lived as Shadow listens to his surroundings, and groans. “Out of all the places on this wretched planet, I get stuck in the one with the most life, and all of them trying to kill me.”
Shadow gets out of the water and gazes at the dark, dense forest. He walks up to the path that he created when he rolled down.
“That fall must have scrambled my brain,” he says, “I should have turned invisible, so my opponent can’t see me!”
“Too late.” a feminine voice hisses.
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I like where this is going~
Nice prologue!
//this reminds me that I still have to finish typing up my own prologue xD
Here's the problem paragraph:
The plants nip, grab, slash, and lunge at him. He feels them tearing his clothes and skin. Luckily, he rolls fast enough to crush the plants and get minimal damage. He topples trees, crushes plants, and bursts through bushes, leaving a path of
carnagedestruction in his wake."Nip, grab, slash, and lunge" is waaaayy too much description! Sure, in third grade, it's okay to list adjectives like that. But you're in eighth grade, and what we learn is SHOW, not tell. It makes your writing much better when you don't just list words out. DESCRIBE, not list.
"...bushes, leaving a path of carnage.."
Whoa, there! Carnage is NOT the right word to use! NOT EVEN CLOSE! These are plants we're talking about! The definition of "carnage" is "The killing of a large number of people." Some synonyms of carnage include massacre, slaughter, and blood-bath.
Cut out carnage and use "destruction" instead!
I'll note you a fixed up one, 'kay? There are many little mistakes, mainly involving commas.